What Turns Women On?

What really turns women on?

You’ve all heard the unsupported claims that muscles or brains or hair style or even physical endowment overwhelm the ladies’ hearts.  Some think it’s wit or personality or the manners of a truck driver.  It’s time someone did some hard research on this important question. 

Obviously, more than one thing does the trick, if you’ll pardon the choice of words.  However, a brief survey of history proves that there are few areas the sociologists missed while handing out their endless questionnaires.

Take, if you will, Helen of Troy.  Historically, we know that’s exactly what that old lecher, Paris, did, despite the fact she was no longer as beautiful as she once was.  In fact, having launched a thousand ships, her face resembled a cracked champagne bottle.  However, Greek gossips spent long hours wondering why she went with him.  After all, Paris was a noted romantic failure in his day. 

According to the blind historian, Homer, Paris was short, had a constant three-day stubble and waddled.  His breath frightened cats and small babies; his eyes meandered, and his personality was more fit for a hermit than a man-about-Athens.  However, Helen saw something in him everyone else overlooked. 

Artificially masticated toenails. 

Women now still get excited by such toenails, according to modern research.  The findings went like this:

		Turn On	Turn Off	Don't Care
Toenails Clipped		21%	41%	14%
Toenails Artificially Masticated		31%	8%	8%
No Toenails		11%	40%	15%
Ingrown Toenails		5%	5%	6%
Polished Toenails		6%	56%	1%

“You can really tell if he’s all man,” one respondent reported, “by just how far he’s chewed those little buggers.”

Others who participated in the survey testified that they often ask a man to keep his socks on when he joins them in bed to avoid being disappointed.  Two porno film stars agreed with that assessment.

Supposedly, Paris had learned that artificially masticated toenails was a real turn-on from the Gorgons and had been sitting in the Agora, happily munching away when Helen wandered by.  The rest is history.

There are other turn-ons that have been overlooked in more trivial surveys, but not by beautiful women of history.

Caesar was an old man when he wandered into Egypt and found Cleopatra.  He was paunchy, tended to drool, wore a moldy laurel wreath to cover his bald head and spoke Latin.  Cleopatra, on the other hand, fresh from her other hundred affairs, was young, beautiful and permanently available.  Caesar was also married, but as time proved, he always had room for one more.  So did Cleo.

They got together for awhile, until Antony happened on the idyllic scene and made room for himself.

What got Caesar and Cleopatra together?  Knee dimples.

According to Roman historian, Livid, Caesar possessed one of the deepest sets of dimples on either side of both knees.  “The front almost touched the back,” he was supposed to have marveled.

According to modern surveys, knee dimples can get you together with Cleopatra.

		Turn On	Turn Off	Don't Care
Dimples - One		11%	5%	12%
Dimples - Two		33%	6%	8%
Dimples - Both Knees		44%	2%	1%
Dimples - Concave		6%	0%	11%
Dimples - Convex		1%	6%	14%

“I love to squeeze his knees,” one respondent sighed.  “When I see him hobbling towards me, those dimples just flying in the evening light, I just about lose my self control.”

Another told the questioner, “I look for a lover with concave dimples.  I see them as secret recesses where I can explore for hours.  Joe Namath just turns me on.  And water on the knees!  Oh!”

According to Livid, Caesar had revealed his knees when his toga slipped and Cleopatra almost immediately surrendered.  Supposedly, she had his knees bronzed, which hurt his mobility, particularly when he ran into Brutus et al at the Forum. 

Pocahontas and John Smith is an old story.  He was a captain of the English settlers and she was the daughter of Powhatan, the local tribal chief.  The Indians captured Smith and threatened to beat his brains out in an effort to see if he really had any.  There had been some question because his ship, which ended up at Jamestown, Virginia, was actually destined for New England.  However, Pocahontas threw her wampum to the wind and saved him.

American historians have long puzzled over the feat, wondering what in Virginia could have possessed Pocahontas to do such a dangerous thing.  Not only was Smith white, but he chewed tobacco, wore pantaloons and smelled like the north woods.  Worse, he was obnoxious, blunt and knew every word of profanity in the English language, something he practiced frequently to keep his touch.

Today, we think we have the answer.  Flat feet.

John Smith had feet so flat that he didn’t even leave a trail when he walked from the barracks to the latrine.  Later, he got a job in a winery where he could do the work of two men.

Pocahontas wasn’t the only woman with that weakness, according to modern surveys:

		Turn On	Turn Off	Don't Care
Flat Feet		32%	11%	12%
Slight Arch		21%	8%	33%
V-Shaped		6%	14%	8%
Chinese Ancient		4%	15%	41%*
Bunions		8%	6%	11%

 *Includes those who asked for a definition.

One woman claimed that she spent a lot of time examining shoes at Japanese restaurants.  When she found one with artificial lifts, she went looking to share some tempura.

Another answered that she preferred a V-Shape.  “That way, I always know he’s on his toes when I’m around.”

Bunions won only moderate support, but corns were considered unacceptable.  So were blisters, foot odor and charcoal stains.

According to the story, Smith was going to be beaten on the bottom of his heels before he was brained.  When they removed his boots, Pocahontas swooned, starting a beautiful love story.  She eventually married a planter named John Rolfe, but, according to at least one historian, used to call in John Smith for digital back massages.  Rolfe, on the other hand, er, foot, refused to take his boots off.

Another story that has attracted a lot of attention is the affair between Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester, and Queen Elizabeth I.  The Queen, better known for her armors than her armours, having defeated the Spanish Armada in 1588, was nicknamed “The Virgin Queen,” although her bed saw as much action as her fleet.  Her favorite was “Robin,” as she called him, who was imprisoned in the Tower when she freed him, eventually granting him money, wealth and power.  She also sent him to woo Mary, Queen of Scots, apparently feeling that whatever she saw in him, her rival would, too.

What did she see?  Lumpy earlobes.

Leicester (pronounced “Lester”) was a short, deceitful man, filled with ambition.  A bigamist, he reportedly killed one wife so he could continue his affair with the Queen.  He was also Catholic-looking, a severe no-no in Anglican England.  It was the earlobes that earned him his bed and board.  And it has its allure today.

		Turn On	Turn Off	Don't Care
Lumpy Earlobes		55%	10%	12%
No Earlobes		21%	11%	8%
Extended Earlobes		9%	8%	6%
Square Earlobes		6%	5%	10%
Hairy Earlobes		14%	8%	21%

Said one respondent, “I just love to tug at those cute little things.  I pull one way, then another and, in no time, he’s putty in my hands.”

Another answered, “Square for me.  I like a man with something a little different.  They’re all the same if you know what I mean.  When I find one with square earlobes -- and I look under a lot of hats and hair -- I go crazy.” 

A third shyly replied that she preferred no earlobes.  “That way,” she said, “they don’t get in the way.”

According to English historians, Leicester doffed his jester’s cap as Elizabeth was walking by, and she was so moved by the sight of his earlobes that she moved him in with her.

No doubt, researchers will find other, usually ignored areas on the male body that have been aphrodisiacs through the ages.  Sometimes, but not always, it’s the small things that get the girl.

There can be side effects, however, that ruin a romantic encounter.  Caesar’s metallic knees are just one example.  There’s another, equally as tragic.

According to Homer, Paris had so chewed his toenails down to the quick, that when he hobbled out onto the field of battle to face the Greeks, he wasn’t.

Bill writes humor columns as well as lots of serious stuff, including novels and religious history.  Check out his website at www.williampalazarus.com.