Monday, May 2, 2011

Baby Naming

Office of Baby Naming
Division of Pediatric Insouciance (DPI)                                                                                    Date:
Department of Health and Human Services
666 The Carpenters Building
Washington, D.C.
_____________________________________________________________________________________Dear     :
Recently, friends of yours notified this office of the impending birth of your son/daughter.  We want to offer our congratulations and to provide assistance in this important time in your life.

Choosing the right name is every important for your child.  Your child must have a name that makes him/her proud and yet distinguishes him/her from the many other children he/she will come into contact with.  Those of us in OBN are particularly sensitive to the demands of naming a child and recognize that first-time parents may lack the depth of knowledge for this task or an appreciation of its importance.

The Office of Baby Naming was established in 1977 by President Gerald Ford to help reduce the stress associated with this important task.  The Office is proud to record that our staffers annually save an estimated 7,800 hours of tension with our services.

After much study, we have a suggested name for your baby.  This name was chosen after extensive research into the history of language and your cultural heritage.  The suggested name is: Wombafruglatimagrutypinsata.
The reasons behind choosing such a name are obvious when the name is examined seriously.  First, the sound of the name is melodious, befitting your child.  Second, it is long, corresponding to the length of most names these days.  When was the last time you met a “Les?”  Third, it is unusual.  Your son/daughter will like never meet another Wombafruglatimagrutypinsata in his/her lifetime.  Finally, the name contains special meanings, which gives it a rich texture.

For example, “Womba” is drawn from the cute Australian marsupial known as a wombat.  Who can resist cuddling one of them?  “Frug” refers to a 1960s dance, adding a sense of rhythm to the name.  “Lati” reflects the Hispanic culture now becoming so prevalent.  Your son/daughter may or may not be Latin, but his/her name will allow him/her to fit into the changing American culture.  “Mag” comes from the word magazine, which offers a prediction for the future, an aspiration that your son/daughter will be a celebrity.  “Rut” comes from rutabaga, a succulent vegetable associated with long life. “Ypin” is a nod to both mathematics and the Y vector and to Vipsania, the eternal love of Roman Emperor Tiberius.  Finally, “sata” is a shortened form of sonata, a musical coda to a lyrical name.

I hope you will appreciate the time and effort it has taken to arrive at such a name.  We look forward to hearing about baby Wombafruglatimagrutypinsata.


Wombafruglati  Magrutypinsata
Director, OBN

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